Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Anniversary


Today would have marked our 14th wedding anniversary.  So, I did what any normal person would do to honor the day.... I cleaned out my laundry room and balanced my checkbook!  Thank goodness for the distraction of work!    While I'm not terribly sentimental, I am not without emotion.  I just need something constructive to occupy me while I process my feelings.  I find it easier to take my frustration out on dust and dirt than to wallow in self pity.  While I have worked, I have spent a great deal of time remembering our thirteen years of marriage and this first anniversary without Marc.

Last year we spent our anniversary in the hospital.  He was having surgery.  Not exactly the way we wanted to celebrate, but I remember at the time that we had peace about being there.  I remember the two of us musing as we settled in that night that the suite up at OHSU was probably the most expensive lodging we had enjoyed together.  Thousands of dollars a night and a commanding view of the city -- he really knew how to show a girl a good time!  Two years ago I wrote about my sweet husband here.  While things surrounding Marc's health were serious at the time, I remember that day as being one filled with hope.  I never thought that in two years I would be alone, reflecting back on my marriage without my husband here.

Several months ago I decided today would be the day to put my rings into safe keeping.  I needed a goal -- a reason -- to take them off.  As I wrote in the 2009 blog entry, my ring is pretty beat up.  I've worried for awhile that the setting will break and I'll lose a stone; however, even that wasn't enough to convince me to take them off.  After Marc became very thin, his ring wouldn't stay on his finger.  I started wearing his beneath mine.  I've become accustomed to the heavier feel of both rings on my finger.  In some ways, I think it correlates with the heaviness of continuing on without him.  His role...and his ring..are heavy.  I'm not as good at carrying either as he was. 

I decided our anniversary made the most sense to remove them. Today became the deadline to put them away and move on a bit more.  It seems fitting in my head that today is the day.  So, today I took them off.  Like my rings, my hands are even more dinged up and calloused.   Except, of course, for the smooth skin that has been protected for fourteen years beneath my wedding band.  I must say it feels bizarre.  Exposed.  Like the rest of this crazy year, it's going to take some getting used to.....

One last thing.  For those of you that are married...please take a moment and look at your wedding ring.  Remember what it symbolizes.  It's precious.  Take care of it.  Life has a way of changing in an instant.  Don't waste any of it.  Go home, give your spouse a big hug, and be grateful for what you have. You are blessed.  I just wanted to say that :)

With love and gratitude....

3 comments:

  1. Jane,
    I have been reading your blogs for a while now. I have shed so many tears for you, your family and with you. I haven't commented on any posts as I don't really know what to say or even how to say things well. I just know that I think of you often. Life seems so unfair, but one thing I know, and was told by a wise man... God will NEVER give us more than we can handle. Blessings to you and your family.
    Renee (Moore) Arnold

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  2. Thanks for blessing us all with your thoughts and reminders...and hopes of a final reunion!

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  3. I so love to read your blog. It makes me appreciate all that I have. I am no different than anyone else, there are days I feel sorry for myself.Then I read your blog and it brings me back to reality. Then I see all that I have and all that my husband gives to me. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us out here. Pat

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